“Help! Please...Will Somebody Help Me?” Violence across America
By Miriam Medina

Part II

Patterns of Abuse and Violence

While abuse may take the form of physical violence, there is also abuse on an emotional and verbal level. The abuser, though appearing to be a powerful and threatening figure, lacks self-esteem, and by attacking repeatedly the self-worth of the person/child, he maintains a sense of power, esteem, and control. By the abuser belittling, shaming, ridiculing or verbally terrorizing the person or child with physical pain, death or the death of a loved one, he is "chipping away at the individuals feelings of self-worth and independence," until that person feels powerless and yields. Abusers also scare their victims into submission ,by the use of threatening looks or gestures, throwing objects at the victim, smashing dishes, destroying property or even showing a weapon to convey the message: "Do As I say or else!"

The power of control is the driving force that motivates the abuser. The abuser needs to always be in control of the relationship, making all decisions and expecting the partner to obey without protest. The victim is treated as that person's possession, to be done with as he sees fit. By making statements such as "You are nothing without ME.!" "You don't need anyone but ME!” “You belong to ME!" the abuser is cutting off the victim from the outside world and making her more dependent on him. The victim is no longer allowed to visit family members and friends or free to go anywhere or see anyone without asking for his permission. Eventually through fear and manipulation the victim becomes the prisoner of the abuser.

Abusive individuals often are impulsive moving frequently, changing jobs, as well as emotionally dependent on their spouse. They are also noted for being blame shifters, never accepting responsibilities for their actions. It will always be someone else's fault,
that they did what they did. The abuser will accuse the partner of having an affair with an imaginary lover, dressing in a provocative way to attract the men, neglecting him, abusing the finances, the house was not clean, the laundry was not done, supper was not ready; whatever insanity of reason that may come to his head, to justify the abuse. The pattern of attack may start with emotional and verbal abuse, but then often escalates from pushing and shoving into an outright violent display of physical force and woe to any one who may want to interfere...

A perfect example of this can be found in the Brooklyn Daily Eagle's article of April 14, 1873 by the title of : " Wife Murder: A Tenement House Tragedy "

"Mrs. Moran was dead, and that it was whispered around that she had died from the brutal treatment received at the hands of her husband .On Thursday night he had been out with some of his acquaintances and came home somewhat under the influence of liquor, but not exactly drunk. He was very abusive in his language, and a row occurred between himself and his wife because he had come in after supper hour, and she had not kept his meal hot and in readiness for him. He commenced to swear at her, and she retorted, whereupon he took up an iron coal shovel and threatened to knock her brains out. She, knowing his fearful temper, ran out of the room, and as she was escaping through the door he threw the shovel, and it struck against the casing, making a large dent. Foiled in his attempt to strike her, he followed her swearing he would kill her. He used the most violent and disgusting language."

"Mrs. Moran, when she saw that he was determined to follow her, ran up to the top floor of the house to the apartments of one of the tenants with whom she was friendly. Unfortunately for her, perhaps, this woman, Mrs. Seving was out, and she could not obtain any refuge there, and her husband coming up the stairs caught her crouching, trembling in a dark corner of the landing. She tried to escape him by the help of the darkness, and passed him, but as she was on the point of descending the flight he saw her, and from the top step kicked her in the back with all the brute force he was capable, and she missed her footing and fell half way down on that flight. He rushed down and seized her by the left hand to pull her down, with her right hand she tried to hold on to the balustrades of the stairway, but the brute almost ground that hand to the bone with the heavy heel of his boot, and she had to let go, then he dragged her down stairs."

"Her cries for mercy were answered by fearful threats and curses by him, while her shrieks and appeals for help were unanswered. There were no men in the house, and the women were afraid to interfere with Moran, who was known to be a very devil when maddened by drink."

"When the woman was lying at the foot of the lower flight of stairs, where she had been kicked by Moran, her sister, Rosa McCafferty, came out of the back room and assisted her into the rear basement. For this Moran struck Rosa, and afterward went to his wife and struck her with his clenched fist in the face, and kicked her about the body and thighs; he struck her a violent blow on the forehead while she was prostrate, and then, when she crawled with all her remaining strength under the rickety table in the room, he overthrew that piece of furniture, and kicked her three or four times on the head."

"Her shrieks were at this time terrible to hear. Her calls for help were unanswered, and her appeals for mercy at the hands of her husband were alike unheeded. "For the love of God, Tom, don't murder me!" she cried, but he only swore the harder that he would be the death of her yet."

When the abuser returns to reality and he views his masterpiece of brutal art, guilt begins to set in. Abusers do not feel remorse, or guilty for what they have done, but for what is visible for the world to see and the grave consequences that will follow. In plain words, they are more concerned about getting caught and being punished for their deed. Many abusive individuals at the time of the attack are under the influence of substance abuse and would attribute their acts of violence to that. The mere fact is that the abuser abuses his victims, because he/she chooses to abuse.

After the storm is the calm. Many partners deceived by the sudden change in their abuser's behavior pattern, accept the peace offerings as a display of that person's true love, and apparent genuine apologies that this will never happen again even followed up by sex. Some call this the Honeymoon period. The victims begin to relax convincing themselves with excuses such as " He really loves me", "He says he is sorry," "He says he needs me," ”He is really not a bad person," "He lost his job and is under a lot of pressure," "He's just had a bad stroke of luck lately," "It really was my fault, that he got so upset," and so on and so forth. They live in denial as they place themselves in a vulnerable state of belief, trust, and greater risk making it all the more difficult to leave the abuser.

The victim, feeling relieved that all is well, goes cheerfully about her day while the abuser given time to reconstruct his insanity, begins to form the next strategy of attack , planning situations where once again the cycle of violence will take place.

No human being should ever have to go through such a horrible existence and horrendous infliction of pain and suffering.

So Why Do Women Stay In Such an Abusive Relationship?

For many reasons; they depend economically on these men; they are afraid that if they try to leave, they would place themselves and their children in greater physical danger; some women lack job skills, and might not be able to get a job to support themselves; fear of the unknown; not finding a place to live; isolation: family members fearful of being targeted by the abuser don’t want to get involved; not wanting to leave friends and family behind, as well as not wanting the kids to leave their school;. fear of her abuser calling where she works and making problems; fear of losing custody of the children depending on her partner’s remarks; fear of emotional damage to the children; and so on and so forth.

Does Violence Discriminate?

Violence is non-discriminatory. It not only existed during the 19th century among the impoverished, uneducated, immigrants packed in tenements reeking with filth, pestilential odors and suffocating heat, but still and will continue to exist in Modern America. It commonly happens within all age ranges, ethnic backgrounds, religions, gay/lesbian/transvestite relationships, intimate partners and financial levels. You will find that among the perpetrators of these acts of violence there are intelligent and ambitious individuals, college graduates, entrepreneurs, high ranking officials as well as prominent suburbanites.

(Continue with Part III Public Awareness)